WTF does Validation really mean, and Why Do We Need It?!
The affirmation that a person or their feelings/opinions are valid/worthwhile.
Perhaps my need for it comes from growing up believing my family’s approval defined my worth. So much that for the longest time I would strive to meet their expectations of who I should be – until I realized I would never attain it. Because ultimately, what I wanted, was not what they wanted. I remembered playing a “game” when I was only a few years old, one where I had to choose between certain objects, each associated to a career. I remembered the praise I got when I picked up the “syringe”, which would imply “doctor”. And as I grew older, the more I got good grades, the more I was praised. The more I behaved, the more I felt validated for my “being”. For my “capability”.
Ultimately, I felt the more you did what was considered “good enough” in the eyes of others, the more you’d be Loved and Accepted. Until I realized, seeking constant validation not only steers you away from being authentic to what you feel and the choices you then pursue – it also hinders your connection to the inner voice, the more you’re focused on the external ones.
So, when it comes to validation, we may always want and appreciate it no matter how much we grow. No matter our inner knowing. And in some ways, it’s what makes us “human”. Because If it’s not visible to the eye, it’s hard to “believe”, right? The less I knew myself, and the less connected I was to who I am, the more I felt the need to seek validation.
I often asked myself questions like, “Is what I’m feeling real? Is this for me?” And would often rely on others for that confirmation. For them to potentially decide my “fate” and at times alter my true beliefs, because I let them. That although I would feel a certain way deep down, I’d allow them to take that feeling away from me. And in turn, be left questioning if what I was feeling was “valid”.
Thus, the more you seek validation for what you do, for how you feel, for who you are, the more likely you may become reliant on others. And in certain instances, such as pursuing your dreams, you may delay it or choose at times not to leap forward, even if you’re feeling called to – because you’re waiting on someone else’s Permission. Someone else’s green light. That game I played when I was young stuck with me up until the recent years. For a while, I thought not Finishing my University degree and instead pursuing the Artist route was not the “right” choice, since I never got the validation I needed and wanted from my family.
Validation, though has become a trend. Common and yet subtle, that we don’t notice how much we actually depend on it to “function”, to be, to live. Recently, I made the decision to follow the pull I felt. To show my true self and share my story. To blog and be vulnerable, in hopes to connect and inspire others on a similar path. That’s when I realized how much I still needed validation. I looked for validation through the amount of likes/engagement on social media – and when I didn’t get the response I wanted or needed, I started to think maybe my content actually sucked. Maybe my opinions were not “valid”. Maybe, no one’s reading it. Or maybe I did go about it “wrong”, but that’s where we learn and grow. All in all, even if for the majority, I had signs that I was moving towards the path meant for me, and that there were people who encouraged me to keep on going, there I was constantly fighting: my heart vs my mind. That negative voice inside, that tells you, you need validation, all kinds.
The thing is when we don’t get the “outcome” we want while pursuing our dreams, we may question moving forward. Or even find ourselves contemplating giving up. Possibly because so often we expect or desire that immediate gratification, to confirm that we’re doing well. That we’re on the “right” path.
However, what we need, is to trust that if we feel the pull, it’s valid enough. That’s YOUR validation. And instead, choose to focus on why you’re pursuing this dream of yours.
Moreover, while seeking more outside validation lately, I was triggered to grow. And realized perhaps, these are tests from the universe, to get us to truly believe and to trust ourselves more. To get more connected within. To trust your intuition. Thus, when you feel that need kicking in for validation, whenever you notice yourself getting insecure about what you do or how you feel, choose to validate yourself within. ‘Cause when you go within and silence the outside noise. When you make room for your inner voice and trust it – no one’s opinion can change the way you feel about who you are and what you do. Whether it’s regarding your work performance, the decisions you make, how you feel and your opinions.
So, how do you become certain, in the choices you make, in feeling a certain way and how do you give less fucks about being validated by others!?
Well, doing it constantly, gets really exhausting. To live based on others’ validation traps you. What matters is being real – being true to yourself and what you intuitively feel.
So yes, perhaps if you choose to be who you are and do what you love, not everyone will vibe with that. Because a) not many people know you at the core b) they are NOT you, so they can’t feel/experience what you truly Feel/experience (entirely) except the psychics maybe and c) at times, they may project their own fears and insecurities onto you.
Therefore, seeking true validation from others, may actually be inaccurate.
Having said that, ever so often, we may find ourselves still seeking it in aspects of our life that are truly important to us. For me, acting and stunts. I value progress so much whether professionally or individually that at times I find myself needing to seek validation from others regarding my performance. Feedback is important and helps you grow, but strive to get to that place where you can know how you feel and did, without others having to confirm it to you. Sure, you can appreciate the extra confirmation, but you won’t need it.
With that said, for any of you who struggle to Trust Your Inner voice at times, who work so hard behind the scenes, who dream big and are planting seeds but can’t see tangible results, I know it’s tough to keep moving forward. To Trust that it’ll work out without that outside validation, but just because you may not see it, doesn’t mean that it’s not valid. Instead, Cultivate Courage to Leap first and Believe that acting upon what you feel, will bring you to places you never imagined.…
Lastly, when you don’t get the validation you seek or need, Go Within. Choose to Trust yourself. To stand by your Truth, of Who You Are, and What You Feel. Choose To Validate Yourself, Because You’re Valid, Period. 😉