This pic, was taken during a moment when I was feeling pretty damn good. A moment when I was letting go. This feeling unfortunately or fortunately, cannot be constant. Cannot be “stable”. When life kicks me in the ass, when shit gets fucked and it’s the retrograde, or the full moon, rather than escape, I feel it all now. And as much as I try to meditate and stay balanced during these moments, it’s challenging as fuck. Sure, with time you can find better ways to weather the storm, but I often get #Scorpio about it first. I let it brood, at times go MIA, cry, purge, then go within, and eventually I make my way “back” somehow. Sometimes it takes hours, days and even weeks. Thus, through certain events, my emotional state often fluctuates, which at times makes me think, am I crazy? Or, is that I just haven’t mastered emotional “stability” yet?
Which then brings me to question “STABILITY”, in general.
For as long as I could remember I’ve been chasing the notion of “stability” as I believed it would bring you true happiness and success or makes you feel like you’ve accomplished a state of being in life, we often speak so highly of. As an artist, I often got triggered when people asked me, “how do you cope not knowing when your next paycheck is? It’s so unstable!” At times, this can make us question our paths, like do we need to change careers? Change dreams? Or find a way to reach stability in a career, that may never be possible. For a while, in chasing this notion I tried to make myself and other aspects in my life, appear “stable”. So much, that I would try to show the world I was *consistently passionate, strong, and as though I was not affected by life’s hardships. As though I was not human*, and instead denied what I lived, as I tried to control my state of being.
However, perhaps no matter how much inner work you do and how hard you try to pursue this notion, you may never achieve stability. Or that, perhaps, there is no true “stability”, after all.
Chasing the notion of stability in the way you live, in the way you are, in the way you earn money, in the way you feel, just keeps you further from being authentic. And measuring the success by the level of stability in my life only made me feel like I’d never reach success, because in reality, nothing I am passionate about, or want is truly “stable”. Thus, recently, I questioned would a “stable” life even if “achieved”, be fulfilling?
That, if you choose to pursue “stability”, perhaps this would please others, however it may mean potentially giving up on your dreams. It would also imply, not honoring your true emotions that fluctuate from time to time, and not fully acknowledging your desires that change, due to experiences you live and as you evolve because shit literally changes every minute including the market, global conditions, and sometimes my emotional well-being.
Moreover, lately, while I was able to find balance through moments of instability, I questioned that perhaps, balance is created in the unplanned. The unexpected, and in the uncontrolled. That perhaps, it happens when we allow ourselves to experience the highs, the lows, the in between. It’s when we let ourselves weather the storm when there is one, and ride the wave, as is.
So why do we wish to attain stability so badly when instability at times, is essential for growth?
The thing is. Instability can often lead us to new perspective, inspire us to recalibrate, do things differently, and to be reborn. In the same way, we may need to experience deep pain to know true joy. And that, sometimes only through darkness can we see light.
For instance, I was barely brave before. I wasn’t truly authentic and still, there are moments now when I relapse, relive old thought patterns, and self-sabotage. But perhaps it’s necessary to go through these moments of instability to become more of who you are.
Thus, instead of viewing instability in a negative light, and judging ourselves for not attaining this status in some aspects of our lives, why not embrace it?
And the more we accept our “instability”, the more we may find freedom, in being. The more we’d be able to see the beauty in chaos. In what we discover within these experiences. Because Life doesn’t actually get easier. Just that, the more you go through shit and are open to learning and growing, your perspective shifts, and how you cope with life’s fucked up events changes.
So, if any one were to ask me now if I was stable, overall. The answer would be no, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. For one, choosing to pursue my dream as an artist is not only “unstable” in terms of the income but also in terms of how I may feel about my performance that vary on certain days. When it comes to nutrition and our regime, sure we can want to commit to eating “healthy”. But what about a balance? What if on on some days, like me, you crave poutine. At times, when that happens, fuck yeah I’ll eat it. Because I LOVE poutine and I’m just not down to deprive myself in order to be “stable” or “constant” in my healthy eating habits. And when it comes to productivity, on some days you”ll be super inspired and be unstoppable, create all kinds of shit, and on other days perhaps you’ll want to say fuck it, and just play, instead. Do reckless spontaneous shit. Live a little, outside of this.
BUT, it’s during these UNstable times that you discover more of you are, that you can find new inspiration, and that you gain more clarity.
So perhaps, I missed the mark on what it means to be stable, or I’m just not cut out for it. Sure, the thought of “stability” sounds nice, especially when it comes to that income but when you attach yourself to the idea that stability would be key to a successful and happy life in the end, it may feel like a never-ending chase. All it did was just made me feel like I didn’t have my “shit” together at 30 and that I’d always need more therapy.
Thus, in all, while chasing this notion, I felt more trapped. To believe things should be “fixed”, “constant”,”stable”, may just give us more “anxiety”, and pressure to maintain or control this. And in other ways, make us feel inauthentic when dealing with various emotions that may surface from time to time. For instance, I rather feel pain, let it destabilize me if it so happens, for that moment until I make my way “back” than to suppress the state I’m in, (like I used to) which likely tends to lead us to numbness. And that’s no fun.
Now that I’ve chosen to accept my instability, everyday feels different. I let myself be surprised. I love what I do, and it’s never predictable. Currently, working on my own business, may mean not having a continuous scheduled income, but doing what you love feeds your soul.
So, yes, we may feel unstable at times. Some days we may feel great, other days we may be chill, and then there will be times when we can feel a hot mess. As though, everything is “unstable”. But, by letting ourselves live these experiences fully, rather than deny our state, we may feel more alive and eventually find balance within it.
Thus, for those of who feel the need to be more “stable”, as long as you are true to yourself and your path – that’s what truly matters.
With that said, perhaps there is no “fixed” us. No “Stable” us. And that we are constantly reborn, as well as may never “arrive”. Perhaps, there’s just the journey, the ups and downs, the high and lows, the in between that occur, which somehow brings us to our next chapter every time, if we allow ourselves to ride through these moments of instability.
Lastly, when we give less fucks about achieving stability, that’s when we’ll acquire more growth, become more authentic, and ultimately, find FREEDOM in INSTABILITY.